By Gail Hamilton
It can happen to us all. When faced with conveying condolences, we freeze up, mumble miserably or mouth a bunch of stilted cliches that in no way communicate the real sympathy we feel in our hearts. Then we just want to escape the presence of the bereaved as soon as possible, all the while beating ourselves up about our ham-handed behavior. "Why couldn't I do better," we demand of ourselves. "It looked as though I don't care - when I really do!"
Something about the face of grief can make us deeply uncomfortable so that we often perform worst just when our comforting words are needed the most. Below are some simple strategies to deal with this very human situation.
1. Be prompt. The longer you wait, the more uneasy you will be. A face-to-face visit it is best, though a personal letter, hand written, is also good if you cannot meet. Call upon the bereaved and begin by expressing your sympathy.
Say something like, " I want to give you my condolences on the death your Aunt Emma. As soon as I heard, I started thinking of you. You know that all my sympathies are with you." Make sure you mention the name of the deceased.
Most of us get this far before we find we don't know what else to say. Then the discomfort really sets in. So before you start shifting from foot to foot, plunge straight ahead.
2. Come up with some memories of the deceased. While you may fear that these will distress the bereaved, it's much more likely they will really appreciate knowing how their loved one touched your life.
"Your Aunt Emma," you can relate, "used to give my brother and me peppermints if we met her on our way to school. Peppermints are still my favorites because of her. And remember when she coached our drama club? That year, she had even me convinced I could be a star."
As you go down memory lane, your nervousness will vanish and you may even find yourself and the bereaved smiling fondly.
3. This will lead so easily to the next step which is to offer any help you can. Make sure your offer is sincere, and that the bereaved knows you will really come though. Now is the time for thoughtful consideration of what the bereaved might need.
"I'd love to look after your little dog while you are away clearing up your aunt's estate." Or, "We'd love to have you over for dinner if you're feeling up to it." Or "I'll be happy to drive you to the train whenever you want."
4. On leaving, repeat more words of comfort.
"Your Aunt Emma used to talk about you all the time. I'm sure you know how proud she was of you. She is leaving you a lot of happy memories."
If you take some time to plan ahead, decide on some special things to say, and follow the simple steps above, you will find that you can give condolences from the heart and never have to fear awkwardness again.
It can happen to us all. When faced with conveying condolences, we freeze up, mumble miserably or mouth a bunch of stilted cliches that in no way communicate the real sympathy we feel in our hearts. Then we just want to escape the presence of the bereaved as soon as possible, all the while beating ourselves up about our ham-handed behavior. "Why couldn't I do better," we demand of ourselves. "It looked as though I don't care - when I really do!"
Something about the face of grief can make us deeply uncomfortable so that we often perform worst just when our comforting words are needed the most. Below are some simple strategies to deal with this very human situation.
1. Be prompt. The longer you wait, the more uneasy you will be. A face-to-face visit it is best, though a personal letter, hand written, is also good if you cannot meet. Call upon the bereaved and begin by expressing your sympathy.
Say something like, " I want to give you my condolences on the death your Aunt Emma. As soon as I heard, I started thinking of you. You know that all my sympathies are with you." Make sure you mention the name of the deceased.
Most of us get this far before we find we don't know what else to say. Then the discomfort really sets in. So before you start shifting from foot to foot, plunge straight ahead.
2. Come up with some memories of the deceased. While you may fear that these will distress the bereaved, it's much more likely they will really appreciate knowing how their loved one touched your life.
"Your Aunt Emma," you can relate, "used to give my brother and me peppermints if we met her on our way to school. Peppermints are still my favorites because of her. And remember when she coached our drama club? That year, she had even me convinced I could be a star."
As you go down memory lane, your nervousness will vanish and you may even find yourself and the bereaved smiling fondly.
3. This will lead so easily to the next step which is to offer any help you can. Make sure your offer is sincere, and that the bereaved knows you will really come though. Now is the time for thoughtful consideration of what the bereaved might need.
"I'd love to look after your little dog while you are away clearing up your aunt's estate." Or, "We'd love to have you over for dinner if you're feeling up to it." Or "I'll be happy to drive you to the train whenever you want."
4. On leaving, repeat more words of comfort.
"Your Aunt Emma used to talk about you all the time. I'm sure you know how proud she was of you. She is leaving you a lot of happy memories."
If you take some time to plan ahead, decide on some special things to say, and follow the simple steps above, you will find that you can give condolences from the heart and never have to fear awkwardness again.
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